2013... In a nutshell has been crazy. There are times I wish I would have had a camera crew following my life around to capture some of the things that just seem to unreal to be true. Yet then there are other events that have taken place that will be embedded in my mind forever and no video camera will ever be able to capture the moment for more vividly than the nightmares that replay and probably will never go away.
I started off 2013 with a positive mindset, business was amazing, and I thought my heart was secure. Early on I set a goal and had a plan. I made the giant decision to move down here to Georgia and then the ride began. I've talked over and over about how things never went as smoothly as planned. Right before moving my mom had to have her 2nd aortic valve replacement heart surgery, which took place on my brother's 21st year anniversary of death. It was certainly a tough day. The next few days were even tougher, seeing your parent in such a rough condition at such a young age is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to experience. Probably because it just doesn't seem seem fair that you have to deal with the harsh realities of life before you're ready. In that week I was called a bitch, skank, retard, whore, and told that I was hated... by my mom in the hospital. Clearly it wasn't my mom in her right mind saying these absurd things but it hurt. My mom has never been the same since this heart ordeal started, its been landslide after landslide... Mild strokes, diabetes, liver and kidney failure, deadly infections, etc. On top of the medical problems life got even harder due to the economy, my step dad's job of 20+ years just couldn't keep the doors open any longer. It breaks my heart knowing that the odds are against them... Your health and finances are pretty damn important.
On Friday the 13th in September my grandpa died. It still feels unreal to say that. He was that tough man that you thought was going to be around forever. This man didn't go a place and not have a friend. I don't know if it was his southern ways or what but his character certainly shined in the reflection of the hundreds of people at his funeral. I tried to mentally prepare myself all year knowing that his time was limited and that his cancer was going to take him. Nothing in the world could prepare our family to be broken the way we were. I am proud of everyone though for trying to pick up the pieces and glue things back together. I've enjoyed getting to know my family again after my own lack of participation over the years.
|My grandpa and I had a little "inside" thing with each other about turtles. |
The original copy of this tattoo is buried with him, I got it tattooed on me exactly a month after his passing.
The craziest thing that I have allowed myself to do this year is....
Open my heart up again to another person. After dealing with the fucked up situation I was involved in when I first moved here, I just didn't think I would be able to genuinely care about someone else in a passionate way for awhile. I knew that I had to fix the damage that had been done to myself first. My boyfriend somehow came into my life and things changed. I knew there was something different about him that motivated me to want to be a better person. He's genuine, I know that he wants the best for me and that means a lot to me. His interest in my interests, especially my business is really important to me. I know that my best work shines when I know I have a personal cheerleader cheering me on to be the best that I can be. When you show me you care, I will always show you that I care more. I know that I am probably one of the most difficult people to deal with, I have a broken past that has tried to mold me into a monster in disguise. He gets it... he may not like it or always understand my dumb crazy bitch moments but he certainly gets it and I can't thank him enough for just putting up with me. I've been told by many that he's a lucky man, but in my heart I know that I am luckier. I'd be happy if he stuck around awhile ;)
I don't really believe in making New Years resolutions but I am going to promise myself to try to stay as positive as I possibly can in 2014 and tackle any situations that may arise like a true G lol. I feel I have a fair amount of life experience that I have clearly made it through, if I could make it through that then I can make it through damn near anything. Now I am not telling life to try me like a little bitch, I am just saying if the situation should occur where I have to pull a Jackie Chan... I just will have to go all ninja style because I will be damned if I allow myself to hit rock bottom again. I don't want to turn my mistakes into traditions just lessons learned. So here is to a happier, healthier, positive new year.
If you made it to this point... Thank you. Seriously thank you for taking time out of your day to reflect on some of the highs and lows of my year. I also want to thank my friends that are always there for me no matter what and know that deep down under all the makeup, hair, lashes and craziness that I am as real as it gets and that no matter what time it is you can always count on me to be there for you if you ever need me.
I got you!