About me

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I'm still here...

It's been awhile.... a long while.
More than anything I was looking forward to 2014 being a positive years. Things seemed to finally be falling into some sort of normalcy. I was finally starting to feel happy with the direction things seemed to be going. I had just gotten back from visiting with family in Ohio, I got to come home and celebrate Christmas with my boyfriend and ring in the new year with him. Of course normalcy isn't something that ever seems to linger in my world.

January 2nd...Him and I broke up. It was supposed to be a break but regardless we broke up. Of course I was crushed by the decisions that were made. I cared for him greatly, honestly I cared for him more than I had ever openly told him. In my head I honestly knew it wasn't over for us and that time would push us back together.

January 3rd.... My entire world changed. Nothing in a million years could have prepared me for the news I was about to hear. My heart was already fragile after his and I's break up. I was in Walmart in the trash bag aisle, I had just picked up a box of trash bags that were scented like green apple and then my phone started ringing. I glanced down and noticed it was my parent's calling me. I immediately thought that maybe my mom was back in the hospital with this nasty flu that had been going around and my step-dad (Matt) was calling to let me know, considering the time of night. It was 10:53pm on a Friday night. I answer.... Matt says my name and I could tell he'd been crying. I knew.... I don't know why or how I knew but I just knew. Matt proceeds to say " you know I love you and I don't even know how to say this but she died"....My heart sank, this was not real life, this couldn't be happening to me... my only response was "no shut the fuck up, no" and I hung up the phone. My entire body became weak and I felt as if I was going to be sick. It took every ounce of strength in my body for me to be able to get out to my car. I cried and cried and I just didn't know what to do. I immediately called my ex and asked him if he could just come over and spend the night with me because I knew I couldn't be alone. I was able to drive back to my apt and I cried and the thoughts of.... I no longer have a mom kept playing in my head over and over again. I kept thinking that I was too young and inexperienced to be able to make it through something like this. Never in my entire life have I broke down and shown that kind of vulnerability to anyone. I know he didn't know what to say to me to even begin making me feel better but he did his damnedest and that means the world to me. I layed there all night tossing and turning and having emotional break downs because each time I would close my eyes I would picture her in the emergency room along with the medical team fighting for her life without anyone that loved her around as she took her final breath.

The 4th of January I literally sat on my couch without tv or my phone the entire day basically just in shock, I had absolutely no motivation to get myself together to make this trip that HAD to be made to Ohio. I had just come home a week prior. How was I going to drive 15 hours to plan and attend my mom's funeral? I finally pulled it together and drove there and the planning started. It was hard.

The next week was too much. Emotions between sadness, anger, guilt, and everything in between set in. True colors of others were exposed and truthfully the shades of cold hearted self centered  people are not all that pretty. There were some amazing people that helped pull things together with me and Matt and I will never be able to thank them for taking a few loads off my shoulders. The absolute hardest thing for me was seeing my mom in the casket. It was the thing I feared the most because that scene solidified that this whole thing was real and it would be forever burned into my vision. The day before the funeral when the immediate family was the first to show up for the viewing, my entire body refused to allow me to walk into the room. I broke down... finally I went in there and just stood looking at her and it kept playing in my head that it just wasn't supposed to be like this. I touched her... I had never touched someone dead before. After that I went into this weird nesting phase where I knew how I wanted things arranged in the funeral parlor for her service. It was my goal for it to look perfect for her, this was her final "get together".

The next day at her funeral I was strong. At that point I was just numb. Through the entire service I just sat there. I just had entirely no emotions available to run through me. Then at the end after everyone made their last round by the casket I had a request. I wanted to be the last one out of the room. I needed time. I needed to be the last one to be with her before they closed the casket. That is when I cried because it just wasn't fair.

The next couple weeks went by and life for everyone else seemed to resume. I started to realize a lot of people are simply full of shit. They have no intentions of actually fulfilling your requests if and when you actually do need something like they said. I finally came back to Georgia after being away for nearly a month and thats when I fell apart. February was awful. Drinking, smoking and popping pills were all I could do. I just wanted to either be fucked up or sleep. I knew pacifying the time would help and that eventually as time went on things would get better. My heart was shattered. I got dumped, my mom was gone and then my brother's death anniversary was right there. I was a mess to say the least.

I started going up to a friend the Nashville TN, area and things started getting better, She's amazing  and kinda took me under her wing. She knew my world was in pieces but never pried or forced me to talk about things. She allowed me to talk about the things if I wanted to and did everything in her power to show me that life can and will go on if I allow it to. We'd been friends for many years but it wasnt until those fragile times where we got really close and I know that forever she will be apart of my life. I do thank her for absolutely everything she has done for me.

Months have passed.... a little over 7 months to be exact. Life isn't perfect by any means but I am starting to become happy again. I've allowed myself to start dating again. It's different this time. I have a whole new perspective on life. I have learned more about myself than I ever thought was possible.I have a new confidence about myself that goes way deeper than anything superficial. Others see it too and that's how I truly know that everything is going to be ok even if it isn't ok  every moment of the day. I know that I am an amazing person with a lot of stories, experiences, love, and laughter to share with others.

Today hasnt been one of the easiest days. I miss my mom... I miss her a lot. One day I'll be strong enough to share pictures and tell some of the stories behind them with everyone. Today isn't that day though, I still havent gone through the box of everything that I brought home from their house or the funeral. I'm just not ready.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Buh bye 2013

2013... In a nutshell has been crazy. There are times I wish I would have had a camera crew following my life around to capture some of the things that just seem to unreal to be true. Yet then there are other events that have taken place that will be embedded  in my mind forever and no video camera will ever be able to capture the moment for more vividly than the nightmares that replay and probably will never go away.

I started off  2013 with a positive mindset, business was amazing, and I thought my heart was secure. Early on I set a goal and had a plan. I made the giant decision to move down here to Georgia and then the ride began. I've talked over and over about how things never went as smoothly as planned. Right before moving my mom had to have her 2nd aortic valve replacement heart surgery, which took place on my brother's 21st year anniversary of death. It was certainly a tough day. The next few days were even tougher, seeing your parent in such a rough condition at such a young age is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to experience. Probably because it just doesn't seem seem fair that you have to deal with the harsh realities of life before you're ready. In that week I was called a bitch, skank, retard, whore, and told that I was hated... by my mom in the hospital. Clearly it wasn't my mom in her right mind saying these absurd things but it hurt. My mom has never been the same since this heart ordeal started, its been landslide after landslide... Mild strokes, diabetes, liver and kidney failure, deadly infections, etc. On top of the medical problems life got even harder due to the economy, my step dad's job of 20+ years just couldn't keep the doors open any longer. It breaks my heart knowing that the odds are against them... Your health and finances are pretty damn important.

On Friday the 13th in September my grandpa died. It still feels unreal to say that. He was that tough man that you thought was going to be around forever. This man didn't go a place and not have a friend. I don't know if it was his southern ways or what but his character certainly shined in the reflection of the hundreds of people at his funeral. I tried to mentally prepare myself all year knowing that his time was limited and that his cancer was going to take him. Nothing in the world could prepare our family to be broken the way we were. I am proud of everyone though for trying to pick up the pieces and glue things back together. I've enjoyed getting to know my family again after my own lack of participation over the years.

My grandpa and I had a little "inside" thing with each other about turtles.
The original copy of this tattoo is buried with him, I got it tattooed on me exactly a month after his passing.
So many new experiences were accomplished this year. I moved across the country, I had my heart broke, I drank an obscene amount of alcohol, I allowed partying to overtake my life, I went to concerts, went on crazy unexpected trips, I got a puppy, I had my house broken into, I made friendships, I ended friendships, I killed my first giant spider, I made peace with my past, ohhh and finalized my divorce.  and the list goes on.

The craziest thing that I have allowed myself to do this year is....
Open my heart up again to another person. After dealing with the fucked up situation I was involved in when I first moved here, I just didn't think I would be able to genuinely care about someone else in a passionate way for awhile. I knew that I had to fix the damage that had been done to myself first. My boyfriend somehow came into my life and things changed. I knew there was something different about him that motivated me to want to be a better person. He's genuine, I know that he wants the best for me and that means a lot to me. His interest in my interests, especially my business is really important to me. I know that my best work shines when I know I have a personal cheerleader cheering me on to be the best that I can be. When you show me you care, I will always show you that I care more. I know that I am probably one of the most difficult people to deal with, I have a broken past that has tried to mold me into a monster in disguise. He gets it... he may not like it or always understand my dumb crazy bitch moments but he certainly gets it and I can't thank him enough for just putting up with me. I've been told by many that he's a lucky man, but in my heart I know that I am luckier.  I'd be happy if he stuck around awhile ;)

I don't really believe in making New Years resolutions but I am going to promise myself to try to stay as positive as I possibly can in 2014 and tackle any situations that may arise like a true G lol. I feel I have a fair amount of life experience that I have clearly made it through, if I could make it through that then I can make it through damn near anything. Now I am not telling life to try me like a little bitch, I am just saying if the situation should occur where I have to pull a Jackie Chan... I just will have to go all ninja style because I will be damned if I allow myself to hit rock bottom again. I don't want to turn my mistakes into traditions just lessons learned. So here is to a happier, healthier, positive new year.

If you made it to this point... Thank you. Seriously thank you for taking time out of your day to reflect on some of the highs and lows of my year. I also want to thank my friends that are always there for me no matter what and know that deep down under all the makeup, hair, lashes and craziness that I am as real as it gets and that no matter what time it is you can always count on me to be there for you if you ever need me.
 I got you!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Self destruction...

I just don't even know where to start. I am caught up between being overly compassionate and just not giving a fuck about anything anymore. The two emotions are a natural disaster. I tend to keep my true feelings bottled up especially about those I really care about until shit just explodes and hits the fan. The past 6 weeks have been nothing but a domino effect of crazy events and while I have had some good times in between making unforgettable memories, there have also been things that have transpired to make me disappointed in myself and my actions. However I will always take responsibilities for my actions and trying to fix my mistakes.

The tension of my own struggle of my emotions towards life in general has allowed me to become my own worse enemy. While allowing the struggle to take over every ounce of my sanity, I also allowed myself to get wrapped up with a couple people that suggested alternate ways to help ease the pain of everything that I was allowing to get to me. Unfortunately those suggestions were not the best for me but at that point I was desperate to just be happy, even if it was momentarily. While this was going on I felt normal, I felt right, I didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong because I was doing something I wanted to do. It helped ease my broken heart, it helped me not be so tense and worry about all the wrong in my life. I didn't stop to think that eventually like everything else in my life, a bomb was about to explode.

I walked myself right into a mass or destruction, I was careless and didn't care about any repercussions. It didn't dawn on me the relationships that could be severed or what my reputation would be like the next day. I essentially allowed something to alter me and morph me into a monster. I broke a promise to someone I care a lot about, I betrayed this person, I put my hands on this person and said things to them that should have never been said, phones got broken, clothing got damaged and above anything a friendship was damn near destroyed. Immediately I tried to pick up all the broken pieces  of the night before. I didn't want this to be the end. I couldn't have it end like that. Ultimately because I knew I was better than that. I knew I had allowed the power of something else fuck with me and turn me into something I wasn't. I hit rock bottom that night. After that I knew I had developed a problem and it was a problem that had to stop as quick as it got started.

I was embarrassed, I am still embarrassed truthfully. When did I allow reality to fade? Was it when I realized that I couldn't control the things that I care about the most in my life? Have I just been living a lie and am I really a junkie that cares more about partying than my real responsibilities in life? Am I mourning the loss of that glimpse of the happily ever after life I thought I was going to have being married. Is my heart really broken in a million pieces because I believed in someone else so much?

Truth be told there is a yes to be followed by all the things listed above. It completely crushes me that I can't take the illnesses that my family has encountered away from them. The thought of not having my grandparents kills me, I am a person of routine and they have always always always been there for me when I've needed them. I just feel completely helpless knowing there is nothing that I can do for them and it's hard to wrap my head around. My mom and I never really had a close close relationship, we've always bumped heads but in the last 5 years, we have tried to put our differences aside and respect the opinions of one another. My world came crashing down the moment I found out my mom had to have a risky heart surgery and there was a chance she wasnt going to make it. After the surgery seeing my mom hooked up to at least 30 different machines keeping her alive.... was the moment I realized how precious life really was and that relationships were more important than possessions. A part of a song I was listening to recently stood out to me "Life wouldn't be so precious dear if there never was an end".  This all has made me realize how important certain relationships with others really is. If you love and care about someone, just friendships or relationships... you need to make them well aware. This also made me realize that life is too short. I've talked in the past about just not being happy in the on and off again relationship I was in with my ex and that we finally agreed to get a divorce because ultimately it was just the right thing to do for us both. I'd be lying through my teeth if I tried to sit here and say that I wasn't disappointed that things just didnt work out. I wanted that happily ever after, I wanted to buy a house and settle down, I didn't mind cooking, cleaning, and being boring more nights out of the week than living life in the fast lane. However I did know that I was living a fairy tale with the wrong character. We was 2 completely different people and deserved more than either could offer one another. Which brings me to the next chapter in my life that I have chosen not to really talk too much about.

When it comes to relationships even just friendships I can be a challenge. I tend to put up a wall before I really let others in. Especially when it comes to putting my heart out there for another. I am not one of those girls that falls for others easily. However when you capture a piece of my heart, I don't hold back and as much as I hate to admit this I forgive those I love easily because I know I am not always the easiest to love back. I don't know how it happened but it did when it comes to this man, plans were made and broken but I still knew this person came into my life for a reason. He has stayed in my life no matter what when others ran. I have been told a million times to walk away but I refuse. A lot of the people that have tried to talk me into walking are the same people that have ran when times have gotten tough. I've been so willing to do the things that others have called me crazy for simply because I do care and I am appreciative for the things he does for me. I have done a lot of boundlessness things for him but that is essentially my business and the only other person it should have anything to do with is him. I care about him a lot and I know he cares about me as well. Sure, I have feelings but my friendship with him is the most important thing to me. We have a bond with each other like I've never shared with anyone before. I've said it many many times in the past that I didn't move to Georgia for this man. I can say that I wouldn't know that this place on the map even existed until him entering my life. I also can say that I'd be heartbroken to not have him be a part of my life after moving all the way here. He was the first person I openly admitted my newest problem to and straight up told me to give that shit up and I promised both myself and him that I was done with that shit. I am a horrible liar and swear that shit is over with. I've met a decent amount of people here and people are always going to have their opinions on others and situations but I can give myself a pat on the back and know that I will never allow the opinions of others to form or solidify my opinions I have of someone.

At this point I know my reputation is pretty fucked because of the actions I have displayed while being heavily intoxicated. There are parts of the stories that I am choosing to leave out due to legal reasons and out of respect of other people because it's not just my stories to tell. I do hope that everything works out for everyone that has been involved in any bullshit. My living like a rockstar days are coming to a halt and my focus needs to be on the important things in life, not waking up trying to collect my thoughts of who I need to apologize to for my actions or simply trying to remember what the fuck happened. I am pretty sure at this point I should probably just write a book. Some of the nights we've all had are just too fucked up to even try to explain and it would have been nice to have a camera along for the ride so that we could go back and watch it in shock.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

She wanted the D...Divorce that is.

In the last 6 months or so I have chosen to not really touch a topic that has essentially fucked my life up. Sure that is a blunt way to put it but there really are not many other words that I could use to describe the situation. I am talking about my failed marriage that has essentially turned into a divorce.

Because it's a rainy day and I have a lot on my mind, I am going to take you way back to the beginning. Back in 2002 I had just broken up with a boyfriend and was set up on a blind date with Chad (now ex). We hit it off really well but I still had feelings for the guy I had just broken up with. After a few months of hanging out with Chad, I did start to really care about him. Due to the fact that he went to college 2 hours away, distance was always a factor and commitment was something neither of us really dwelled on. We knew we cared about each other and would see each other when we could. In the meantime I wasn't innocent and as the next year and a half went on I continued to talk to Chad and talk to that ex (Kyle). The summer of 2004 came and went and it was clear that thing relationship with Kyle had ran it's course. Then the future with Chad wasn't promising either because he had graduated college and was ready to find a real job and start life. At that point I didn't really know what I was going to do next.

Chad moved to Wisconsin and over the next few weeks we continued to talk and he had mentioned missing me and we joked about what if I moved there and started my life over there. Truthfully I didn't really have much going for me where I was, so relocating wasn't a huge deal to me. Plus I had always cared a lot about Chad and thought perhaps great things could come out of this. I made arrangements behind my parents backs and a few weeks later I was in Wisconsin. Little did I know that I was sharing the same bed as a man that had invited several others to come and start a new life as well. I was just the "stupid" one that took him up on his offer for a new life. As the next few weeks went on I learned there were at least 7 other girls that he had been talking to the same way he had myself. Devastated beyond words, I blamed myself because I knew I had been doing something similar to him over the years prior with Kyle. However the fact that we would be living together put me on a whole different level with Chad at this point and I would have never done that to him. 2 of these girls had even claimed to have been pregnant with his babies! Later we will learn that was complete lies.

Truthfully at this point I just didn't know what to do. I lacked so much self confidence that I just dealt with it and allowed things to smooth over. It wasn't a smooth road by any means because I always thought about the things he had done and had no problem bringing things up to make him feel bad. I turned into a very insecure woman at this point, I already had trust issues and this surely didn't help. Months went by and we made plans to visit family in Ohio (where we are both from). He did his own thing and went to visit his family and I went my own way to visit mine. Little did I know that his plans were to leave me in Ohio and send the rest of my belongings to me because my insecurities had gotten the best of me while I was making his life a living hell making him pay for his mistakes with these other girls. I ended up going back to Wisconsin with him with the intentions of working to make enough money to make my own way back to Ohio in a month or so because the way things were going clearly was not working.

At this point we had our own separate bedrooms and were living strictly as roommates. I started making new friends and one night I went out with another guy. Chad didn't take to well to the situation. That next morning when I came home, I was greeted in the living room and harbored about the events that took place with this other guy. That is when every feeling between the 2 of us came out and life changed for us. We decided that from that day forward we wanted to be together without the distractions of anyone else. That day literately changed everything. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he was in love with me like he had never loved anyone else. 19 year old me was flattered, floored and never felt more loved. However there was a part of me that knew I could never give him the love and attention that he deserved because.... I simply didn't trust him.

We went out got rings and I told him that in order for me to marry him he must give me a proper proposal. We went to this beautiful park that overlooked the Mississippi river and next to a goldfish pond he got down on one knee and said a whole bunch of shit I truly don't remember. All I know is that I said yes and that I had a gorgeous engagement ring on my finger. I couldn't wait to brag to everyone. From this moment forward everything was absolutely rushed.

We got married quickly a few days later with just my parents there, which possessed a huge problem with his family and our entire marriage would be looked down upon the entire duration because of this. I remember a few hours after getting married, I told my new husband and my parents that I needed to take a drive and clear my head. I called my friend Jake and just cried because I was in disbelief that I got married and admitted to him that I fucked up and got married for all the wrong reasons.

2 weeks after getting married is when the problems really started. It was a quiet evening at home relaxing and Chad's phone started ringing, myself being the insecure bitch that I was grabbed the phone and answered it......it was another bitch demanding that I put Chad on the phone and asking who the fuck I was..... really bitch? Really? I threw the phone at him along with my wedding rings and he ran off to a back bedroom to explain things to this girl. I left and had a complete cry fest to anyone that would listen to me. I later learned that this was one of those 7 girls and that his brother thought it was ok to give her Chads new number, failing to mention that he had just gotten married and all that jazz.

About a year into our marriage, I truly wanted things to work. I was starting to trust Chad, and ready to take the next steps with him. We were talking about buying a house and all the things that come after that. Out of nowhere one day when I was cleaning I found something......Chad wanted a divorce.
I couldn't believe what the absolute fuck I was seeing. How could he? After everything he had put me through, how could he want to leave me? In my head I couldn't help but just tell him that he would never in a million years find another dedicated, devoted woman like me that would put up with the bullshit that I had gone through not only with him but his insane family too. After acting like a complete crazy person trying to contact Chad, I couldnt get him on his phone and he wasn't at work. Chad and I sat down and talked about things and he claimed that the papers were old and that he didn't feel that way anymore but that we did need some sort of marriage counseling and that it was probably best that I talked to someone as well to help my issues from my past. I agreed because I knew that help was something I needed for my own personal issues and I was willing to do what I had to do to make my marriage work.

We went to marriage counseling for about a year and it worked! We were closer than ever and ready to move on. We had started house hunting again and started trying to have a baby. It just wasn't happening for us. So we decided to go to the dr. and see if there was some kind of issue. Because we were married they ran tests of both of us, I luckily was cleared. Chad on the other hand was not. Turns out he was born is a condition called Congenital Bilateral Absence of the Vas Deferense. Basically he was born with a vasectomy. Sooooo remember those bitches that claimed to be pregnant from him? FALSE! Ultimately I loved this man and wanted his children, how could we recover from this news? We tried to remain positive and not allow this unfortunate event turn into a complete road block. However our problems from our passed slowly started creeping but this time it was different.

In March of 2008 everything changed. I wasn't in love with my husband anymore. I had found some things on one of our computers that ended everything. I hated him. I hated the choices that he made and how small of a person he made me feel. I felt disgusted by him and nothing could change the way I felt. Once it got to that level it was over. I started staying at a friends house more and more often over the next few months and eventually decided to move in with her. We started going out often and that is when my drinking problem started. The entire summer of 2008, I bet I was drunk damn near every day. It helped numb the pain of knowing I wasn't going to live my happily ever after with the man that I promised myself to. In August in 2008, I met someone and it made me realize that my marriage was 100% over. Until that point I had never looked at another man in a attractive manner. I started talking to this guy more and more. I told him I was married and that I needed to take care of some things before we progressed talking. That is when my legal separation was made. I quickly jumped in a relationship with this guy (another Kyle). Over the next few months Kyle and I had a lot of fun together. We spent all of our time together on the weekends because he lived 2 hours away. I decided to put some distance between Chad and I and to also be closer to Kyle. While this happened... Chad went off the deep end, depression set in and he just didn't care about anything anymore. His bills piled up and it even came down to him getting his car repossessed. Shit got really bad for him and I wasn't sure what to do. I tried not to let it have an effect on my relationship with Kyle. It was strange because from the beginning I knew that Kyle wasn't a forever, it just helped me pacify my time and just have a good time. Months went by and my time with him came to an end, he broke things off with me to get back with an ex and my heart was broken. That's when it dawned on me that my marriage was over and so was this relationship.

 The drinking started up again and I became a little promiscuous. I got my own apt and that is when I really started taking an interest in the beauty community. I would watch youtube all hours of the night on how to do makeup because I wanted to look good going out to the bars and being this "single" girl. After awhile I started realizing that hey I am actually pretty good at this. The summer of 2009 came to a halt and the makeup thing really started striking a real interest with me. Truthfully I became obsessed and it helped take my attention off what I should do next with my marriage.  Over the next year I found myself going to Chicago a lot to different makeup related events and workshops. I even landed a job doing bridal makeup. Things were finally starting to look up for me. I looooved beauty related things and eventually I gained enough knowledge to start this blog. Everyone I knew came to me for advice and it was such a rewarding feeling and my self confidence started boosting.

At this point Chad and I'd marriage was at a standstill along with my love life. I came up with this idea that I wanted my own makeup line and I was going to do everything in my power to make this happen. After a long time of preparation, research and money... Pretty Addictions was a reality in March of 2011. Ever since opening Pretty Addictions, the level of confidence that I have been able to experience has been insane. I am a brand new person honestly. During the duration of those years leading up to now, our legal separation stood still. Divorce was something we both knew eventually was going to happen but neither of us really pushed it. We had some legal things to take care of because actually getting divorced as well. In the meantime there were times that we tried to work things out but the feelings were just not there for me. Also my business was my main focus over the last couple years. Then when my mom and grandpa both got sick in 2012, it took up a lot of time and energy. Chad and I's vicious cycle came to a halt in September 2012 right after our 7th anniversary being married and after 11 years of this craziness. I finally was able to look at him and tell him that I most certainly wanted a divorce and that there was never going to be anyway around it. He looked at me and said that he knew and understood and that ultimately he just wanted me to be happy. Shortly after that is when I met Chris.... and when the story with him began.

Ultimately there are far more gory details of Chad and I but sometimes some things are better left unsaid. Chad and I have grown to be really good friends and I know that I can count on him for just about anything. We are walking away from our marriage with a lot learned and honestly just not being bitter toward the whole thing. Neither of us were perfect and I truly believe that we both deserve the best. Unfortunately...for him...he will have to settle for second best ;)

Plan B

Throughout my decision to move to Georgia the thought of a "plan b" never really occurred to me. I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and had full faith in the situation. Truthfully I had never felt so secure with a situation in my life. There had been many times I had talked about picking up and moving away, but something always held me down and never gave me the boost of confidence that I needed to make things feel right.

Through out the past few months I have talked about that man that gave me that little breath of fresh air and motivated me to do things that I wanted to do... I just needed a little push. While "plan a" with him didn't exactly pan out the way that either of us had planned, I can't say it's 100% horrible. Sometimes I think one of the biggest mistakes we as people can make is plan too much. Sometimes you really do just need to just dive in head first and just roll with the punches and let life happen. Our lives would be filled with less disappointment leading us to be more open minded.

I can't sit here and act like I haven't allowed things to bother me... One of the biggest things that bothers me is the opinions and unsolicited advice of others. Most of the time I know the things others say is said simply to bother me. However...it is not right for others to judge something they know nothing about. Just because you might know someone doesn't mean you know the situation. I personally have a good sense of judgement, sometimes I don't always follow my own advice but I am really good about reading people from the moment I meet them and have a good idea whether or not you are probably going to be bad for my life. I still typically try to give the benefit of the doubt though.

We are going to talk about that guy for a moment. When him and I first started talking we were merely just friends. I will be honest there was something about him that gave me a bad vibe, but something more about him that I couldn't get enough of. His personality was addicting, he was an amazing story teller, I am telling you he can make you feel like you were there too when telling you about something. While yes, I was very much attracted to him...Come on now an attractive heavily tattooed man with an amazing personality and that can all around just make you laugh without even trying? Um yes please?

I will always remember something I told him right from the beginning..." things could never workout between the 2 of us, we would just be too toxic for each other". We both just chuckled and had no idea what that would even mean in the months to come.

I am telling you I could talk to this man about absolutely everything... serious stuff to the silliest stuff you can think of. Neither of us ran out of things so say to each other. I know that I am not the type to fall easily for someone, after all the hurt and disappointment I had been through in my life, there were times where I had questioned my ability to truly care about someone else in a way that the future looked clear. We got to a point where I just knew that I wanted him in my life even if I had only known him a few months. I didn't believe that we just crossed paths for the hell of it.

I will spare all the details about moving here because they have already been touched in the past. So fast forward to where things are now. I've caught a lot of shit for "protecting" this man and putting his feelings, thoughts and opinions before my own. That is simply not the case at all. No one else besides him and I know 100% the entirety of the situations that has happened between us. In my eyes it is not fair to be malicious and make him out to look like a total monster when he is very much still apart of my life and I continue to want him to be there. It has been suggested that he has ruined my life... that is very far from the truth. I can say that he has CHANGED my life and that isn't a bad thing. If anything I feel as if I owe him a thank you for being that strike of motivation pushing me to not allow anyone to hold me back (including him). I gave up a lot to be here, but I willingly gave up a lot to grow as a person and ultimately better myself. I didn't do the things I did for him, I did it for me and to see where my life could go. Do I still have feelings for him? I'd be lying if I said I didn't, he's impacted me in ways that I truthfully didn't know was possible... so  really there will always be apart of me that cares in more ways than one. I appreciate, respect and trust him and at the end of the day the bond that we have built together to form the friendship we have outweighs anything anyone else can possibly say.

Soooo.... go ahead and say I am obsessed and that he is an evil manipulator that has me brainwashed, that is fine because him  and I know the truth.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I feel as if I am living in the middle of a country song...

All my life I've always been interested in the south and would make jokes about packing up sometime and just moving there and never looking back. My grandpa is from the south and throughout my childhood I would take vacations with my grandparents to visit relatives. I would never want to leave and always thought to myself, "wow, these people down here are so different than us northern people". After moving to Wisconsin and getting married and all that jazz my little southern dream was kinda crushed. Then as the years went on and I started to discover myself and present myself in a loud and proud fashionable manner, I tricked myself into thinking I needed to be somewhere flashy and exciting. Truth be told every time I go to a big city I get ridiculously overwhelmed and quickly remember that I am a creature of small town living!

Referring back to my last post, it's clear that southern charm really does exist and a touch of a southern accent from an attractive boy can make a girls mind and heart do all sorts of silly things. It wasn't as tough of decision to make knowing I had already enjoyed the south in the past and had always "talked" about moving here.The whole transition has been a challenge for me because honestly thing are completely different here and dealing with obstacles tossed in a path you've never taken before is like driving blind. The first few weeks were the toughest. I moved 1200 miles away from everyone I knew. A lot of people called me crazy and didn't respect or understand my decisions for what I did. Yeah I had been  under some spell and developed unrealistic expectations with this southern boys charm but I was also more than willing to get myself away from a vicious cycle that was eating me alive with my ex as well. The only thing that was really going to sever the connection and ridiculousness between the 2 of us and finally bring our marriage to an end was distance. I saw this as the perfect opportunity and it just felt right. Many times I talked about leaving in the past but something always stopped me.

Words cannot even describe how proud I am of how far I have come. Every few months I try and take a moment and reflect on the direction my life is going and see if changes for the better are happening. It makes me laugh to myself a little when other compliment me and tell me they admire me for my confidence and independence. I honestly try to present myself in a confident way without being cocky or bitchy, however I can tell you that confidence is something that I do struggle with. Independence is something that I have NOT always had. My life was at a standstill for years simply because I lacked the confidence to achieve independence for myself. It literately took myself hitting rock bottom in my personal life when it come to finances and my marriage to finally stand up and say I am done. I have got to change my life and that is when Pretty Addictions went from and idea to something that I pride myself in with everything in my soul.

 In the short yet long 2 months that I have been here I have learned soooooo much. The biggest thing that I have learned is that I definitely don't need a fast paced city to shine. I can be myself and be absolutely fabulous anywhere, even if it is riding down a dirt road at 2 am.  I've learned that frogs, lizards and bugs scare the shit out of me BUT snakes and alligators fascinate the hell out of me. I've gotten a taste of the fact that storms here are totally different than the midwest. Palm trees make me smile, men hold doors open for woman here, the Georgia dirt really is red, the terms "young'n, mama, daddy, baby, ya'll, bless your heart, outta" are just normal here. The funniest thing to me is I am starting to not pick up on accents from people here as much as when I first moved here.

At this point I can honestly say that I am pleased with the direction my life is going and I know I have more to be thankful for than to bitch about. I can't wait to see where I am in my new life say 6 months from now.

Here are some pictures from the last few months of random stuff in no specific order.
 All pics and can clicked on to make bigger!

  Living room here
Bedroom and makeup area

 Got some zombie makeup in on myself
The ever so "famous" Chris let me fuck his face up a little for a Zombie party, which he won!
 Milani has even made a friend since being here! Slade is her buddy!

Milani just chillin on a hot hot day
 Florida is super close sooo Milani and I take little mini roadtrips!

 I got introduced to the Kraken.... after drinking this much in one night alone....
 Let's just say the next day was a little brutal lol.
 Milani tried to 1 up me...
 I had the pleasure of seeing Save The Empire (be sure to like their page)  you know that band that Pretty Addictions has a shadow for (click to purchase yours)

That night turned out a bit crazy and SOMETHING happened to my money lol
 after nights like that.... lazy days are definately a must!!!!
Oh yeah we got a kitty, he's a little demon named Manson
 Looooook palm trees at Mcdonalds lol.
 a friend shared this with me taken on their dirt road.... seriously I've never lived anywhere that snakes were an issue, this shit is a bit crazy!
 This frog after it rained scared the shit out of me!
ohhhh and the famous dirt roads!
and because this south Georgia heat is just crazy... 
my phone has become accustomed to this message!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The story.....

It's been no secret that my world has been turned upside down the last year. I've had more low times than I have had high times. In the midst of it all I met an amazing man that while he didn't always have the answers he knew how to listen and gave me a glimpse of hope that everything would be ok.  Him and I both had personal problems but we both found comfort in overcoming the obstacles that had been thrown at us to the side when we'd communicate with each other. We started off strictly as friends, which was nice because it didn't put any pressure on anything, considering everything we both were already going through. Over time and after a few disagreements, a light bulb kind of went off for the both of us that this was more than either of us had expected... Yet something felt right. Months went by and our bond grew deeper. I found myself doing things for him that I didn't think I was capable of doing. Never once did I ask myself what I was doing because I knew I cared a lot about him and didn't care what others thought. I wanted this with him more than anything, the feeling that he gave me just knowing he was there for me was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt.

I knew I wanted this man around for awhile. Out of curiosity one day I started researching the area he was from and realized that the area seemed pretty decent and the cost of living was insanely cheaper compared to where I was used to. I had been wanting to get out of Wisconsin for a very long time and he knew this as well, it's something we had talked about from them very beginning. I had absolutely no roots holding me down. My lease was up in a few months and after discussing the pros and cons of possibly moving where he was from, it just seemed like the right thing to do. In 8 weeks time.. I saved up $6,000 and made all the arrangements to move my life. I was very very excited because moving away was something I had looked forward to for so long and just knowing I'd be starting my life somewhere with someone that I enjoyed so much made me nothing short of happy. It is very important that I put out there that I did NOT move for this man, the location sure... but the move itself was for ME. Something I needed to do a long time ago.

Well 2 weeks before the move, I started having 2nd thoughts. Things started feeling a little weird with him. He started getting upset with me for reasons that didn't make sense, almost as if he just wanted to fight or perhaps it was the warnings that he was getting scared about me moving. I tried to blame it on the pressure of a long distance relationship and that it was just a stressful time... mostly I blamed myself. I talked to him and he assured me that he very much wanted me to come and we talked about all the fun stuff we was going to do the moment I got here. I felt secure and continued on with the plans.

Due to unexpected events... time got pushed forward and I ended up moving 2 weeks sooner than originally planned. It was ok though, we had been counting down the days, hours and mins. out of simply being excited about this new journey. After driving a total of 23 hours I couldn't wait to see him. I had only had about 3 hours sleep in a 48hr span, I was exhausted in every way possible but there was no way I was that close to him and not seeing him. I threw myself together quickly and met up with him for awhile..... That is when everything changed.......

We hung out laughed, joked, just couldn't believe that this was really happening. Close to when it was time to say goodbye for the night something changed, hell everything changed. You could tell by the look on his face that this wasn't part of the plan that we had magically created. Perhaps we had created way higher expectations for the entire situation?

Just like that... it was over. Everything that we had planned was completely over.

Mortified and heartbroken are the emotions that just kept raging through my body. How the absolute fuck could I have allowed myself to fall for this and put myself in this position? How could the man that I have shared every deepest darkest secret with just toss me into oncoming traffic like this? How was I going to explain to my family and friends that I had lost all sense of judgement and majorly fucked up. How the fuck was I going to deal with a broken heart in a new city with no one?

I didn't have the answers either, I still don't. I feel like I've been living in the middle of a nightmare. I've been taking it one day at a time and over and over i try to justify why this has all happened. During all this there have been dramatic situations that I refuse to get into, because those are not just my stories to tell, some of them involve deep seeded issues that would just horrify this whole mess even more with exposure.

I've never been more crushed in my entire life and I have allowed this whole situation to physically make me sick. I've lost a total of 12 lbs in 2 weeks, lost self respect and have been given more complexes than I care to really admit, I've given up so much, my dogs, cats, house, an insane amount of money, my friends, being only 8 hrs away from my family, and most importantly my self pride.

I know by now if you've gotten this far, you are probably wondering why I haven't turned around or thinking he is a giant asshole  blah blah blah. As much as I wanted to turn around and walk away I just can't. I moved because I wanted to move, this isn't the way I expected things of course but it's the cards that I've been dealt. I have a great apt and have been given the opportunity to get close with a couple amazing people. I know that sooner or later some light will shine in on this situation and I will be able to look back and laugh at the craziness. As for my relationship with him... We speak here and there and are trying to regain a friendship after the nonsense. We have good days and bad days. I don't have one ounce of ill feelings against him, simply because I care enough about him not to harbor hatred against him. I truly want the best for him even if that isn't with me.

Perhaps this is just another boulder being tossed in my path or perhaps it is a giant stepping stone to bigger better things, I don't really know but time will tell.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The 25th

Every year around this time my heart sinks and I go through a little rough patch. February 25th is the anniversary of my brother's passing. It's always a hard day, this year will make 21 years since my world was torn apart and I was forced into being an only child. I'd rather spare the details of his death and simply say he passed away from health problems. There are times I get bitter and jealous of others that have close bonds and relationships with their siblings simply because I was left to "fend for myself" and will never know what it's like to have my little brother to call upon. However I remind myself that I've had the pleasure to have my brother with me at all times and that is presence is always near even if I can't see him. I've made it out of a lot of fucked up situations and while my faith isn't as strong as it probably could be... I do have faith that he has had a helping hand in allowing me to continue on with my life during crazy moments.

As the 25th has been approaching, I've been trying to think of ideas to help celebrate my brother's life instead of being upset and hating the world like a selfish person because I haven't been able to full accept his death. However the news that was received last year completely prohibits any celebrations. As most of you know my mom had to have a pretty risky heart surgery last year to have a valve replaced. The last year for her has been complete hell, one complication after another. Here we are not even a full year later and the surgery has to be done again. The valve failed and is separating from her heart, as well as an infection is on the valve as well. My mom's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow... The 25th. My heart sank the moment the 25th was mentioned.

I know I know I know that everyone says to stay positive and that everything is going to be ok etc. I can't help but haunt myself with the "what ifs". I am a worrier and I can't help but thinking of the worst, while of course hoping for the best. This reality that I have fallen into at only 26 years old is just too much. I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for illness whether it's yourself or a loved one. I think when you are a little older you realize that it's a stronger possibility.

Right now I just have a lot of emotions going on and felt I needed to vent a little bit to help  this loose cannon feeling I've been containing the last few days.

If you could please keep my family in your thoughts the next few days...especially tomorrow, I would greatly appreciate it.