The story.....

It's been no secret that my world has been turned upside down the last year. I've had more low times than I have had high times. In the midst of it all I met an amazing man that while he didn't always have the answers he knew how to listen and gave me a glimpse of hope that everything would be ok.  Him and I both had personal problems but we both found comfort in overcoming the obstacles that had been thrown at us to the side when we'd communicate with each other. We started off strictly as friends, which was nice because it didn't put any pressure on anything, considering everything we both were already going through. Over time and after a few disagreements, a light bulb kind of went off for the both of us that this was more than either of us had expected... Yet something felt right. Months went by and our bond grew deeper. I found myself doing things for him that I didn't think I was capable of doing. Never once did I ask myself what I was doing because I knew I cared a lot about him and didn't care what others thought. I wanted this with him more than anything, the feeling that he gave me just knowing he was there for me was the most amazing feeling I had ever felt.

I knew I wanted this man around for awhile. Out of curiosity one day I started researching the area he was from and realized that the area seemed pretty decent and the cost of living was insanely cheaper compared to where I was used to. I had been wanting to get out of Wisconsin for a very long time and he knew this as well, it's something we had talked about from them very beginning. I had absolutely no roots holding me down. My lease was up in a few months and after discussing the pros and cons of possibly moving where he was from, it just seemed like the right thing to do. In 8 weeks time.. I saved up $6,000 and made all the arrangements to move my life. I was very very excited because moving away was something I had looked forward to for so long and just knowing I'd be starting my life somewhere with someone that I enjoyed so much made me nothing short of happy. It is very important that I put out there that I did NOT move for this man, the location sure... but the move itself was for ME. Something I needed to do a long time ago.

Well 2 weeks before the move, I started having 2nd thoughts. Things started feeling a little weird with him. He started getting upset with me for reasons that didn't make sense, almost as if he just wanted to fight or perhaps it was the warnings that he was getting scared about me moving. I tried to blame it on the pressure of a long distance relationship and that it was just a stressful time... mostly I blamed myself. I talked to him and he assured me that he very much wanted me to come and we talked about all the fun stuff we was going to do the moment I got here. I felt secure and continued on with the plans.

Due to unexpected events... time got pushed forward and I ended up moving 2 weeks sooner than originally planned. It was ok though, we had been counting down the days, hours and mins. out of simply being excited about this new journey. After driving a total of 23 hours I couldn't wait to see him. I had only had about 3 hours sleep in a 48hr span, I was exhausted in every way possible but there was no way I was that close to him and not seeing him. I threw myself together quickly and met up with him for awhile..... That is when everything changed.......

We hung out laughed, joked, just couldn't believe that this was really happening. Close to when it was time to say goodbye for the night something changed, hell everything changed. You could tell by the look on his face that this wasn't part of the plan that we had magically created. Perhaps we had created way higher expectations for the entire situation?


Just like that... it was over. Everything that we had planned was completely over.

Mortified and heartbroken are the emotions that just kept raging through my body. How the absolute fuck could I have allowed myself to fall for this and put myself in this position? How could the man that I have shared every deepest darkest secret with just toss me into oncoming traffic like this? How was I going to explain to my family and friends that I had lost all sense of judgement and majorly fucked up. How the fuck was I going to deal with a broken heart in a new city with no one?

I didn't have the answers either, I still don't. I feel like I've been living in the middle of a nightmare. I've been taking it one day at a time and over and over i try to justify why this has all happened. During all this there have been dramatic situations that I refuse to get into, because those are not just my stories to tell, some of them involve deep seeded issues that would just horrify this whole mess even more with exposure.

I've never been more crushed in my entire life and I have allowed this whole situation to physically make me sick. I've lost a total of 12 lbs in 2 weeks, lost self respect and have been given more complexes than I care to really admit, I've given up so much, my dogs, cats, house, an insane amount of money, my friends, being only 8 hrs away from my family, and most importantly my self pride.

I know by now if you've gotten this far, you are probably wondering why I haven't turned around or thinking he is a giant asshole  blah blah blah. As much as I wanted to turn around and walk away I just can't. I moved because I wanted to move, this isn't the way I expected things of course but it's the cards that I've been dealt. I have a great apt and have been given the opportunity to get close with a couple amazing people. I know that sooner or later some light will shine in on this situation and I will be able to look back and laugh at the craziness. As for my relationship with him... We speak here and there and are trying to regain a friendship after the nonsense. We have good days and bad days. I don't have one ounce of ill feelings against him, simply because I care enough about him not to harbor hatred against him. I truly want the best for him even if that isn't with me.

Perhaps this is just another boulder being tossed in my path or perhaps it is a giant stepping stone to bigger better things, I don't really know but time will tell.

The 25th

Every year around this time my heart sinks and I go through a little rough patch. February 25th is the anniversary of my brother's passing. It's always a hard day, this year will make 21 years since my world was torn apart and I was forced into being an only child. I'd rather spare the details of his death and simply say he passed away from health problems. There are times I get bitter and jealous of others that have close bonds and relationships with their siblings simply because I was left to "fend for myself" and will never know what it's like to have my little brother to call upon. However I remind myself that I've had the pleasure to have my brother with me at all times and that is presence is always near even if I can't see him. I've made it out of a lot of fucked up situations and while my faith isn't as strong as it probably could be... I do have faith that he has had a helping hand in allowing me to continue on with my life during crazy moments.

As the 25th has been approaching, I've been trying to think of ideas to help celebrate my brother's life instead of being upset and hating the world like a selfish person because I haven't been able to full accept his death. However the news that was received last year completely prohibits any celebrations. As most of you know my mom had to have a pretty risky heart surgery last year to have a valve replaced. The last year for her has been complete hell, one complication after another. Here we are not even a full year later and the surgery has to be done again. The valve failed and is separating from her heart, as well as an infection is on the valve as well. My mom's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow... The 25th. My heart sank the moment the 25th was mentioned.

I know I know I know that everyone says to stay positive and that everything is going to be ok etc. I can't help but haunt myself with the "what ifs". I am a worrier and I can't help but thinking of the worst, while of course hoping for the best. This reality that I have fallen into at only 26 years old is just too much. I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for illness whether it's yourself or a loved one. I think when you are a little older you realize that it's a stronger possibility.

Right now I just have a lot of emotions going on and felt I needed to vent a little bit to help  this loose cannon feeling I've been containing the last few days.

If you could please keep my family in your thoughts the next few days...especially tomorrow, I would greatly appreciate it.

Ohhh life....

Most of the time I try to fake a smile or put up a tough exterior as if life is great and I don't have a care in the world other than the release of something pretty coming out soon in the beauty world. However things are quite the opposite. I am a bomb full of emotions ready to explode. The idea of tossing my thoughts here for the public to see isn't ideal but I have fallen into a position where things have to be released somewhere before I take my feelings out on the wrong person for the wrong reasons. No I am not talking like a crazy person, I just don't want to have an emotional breakdown and end up in the loony bin because I cried on the wrong shoulder.

a few years ago I left my husband, things happened that I would rather not get into here but ultimately feelings changed on my end and the resentment has but been too hard to get over. Unfortunately some things happened before we were able to get divorced and we've been in a constant struggle making this divorce happen because I didn't want to things that happened to fall on my shoulders and be a burden to me financially. We've been legally separated and made an attempt to work things out a few times but unfortunately feelings could never and will never be rekindled. I am just not into it. We have decided to proceed with our divorced and I am ready to face any obstacle I have to, to finally have it all over with. For years I held in hate and pictured things a certain way because I ultimately wanted to bring him down for the shit that he's put me through. Now I am just tired and willing to lose everything to just be done and able to move on with the rest of my life. I feel like I deserve a shot at starting my life over and actually being happy.

Last year around this time my life drastically changed the moment I got the phone call that my mom was having health issues. Things have not been the same since, it's been a whirlwind of other problems and unfortunately I do not see things turning around anytime soon. My heart is completely crushed into a million pieces. My mom and I never had a good relationship until the last few years. I never understood or valued the relationship a mother and daughter could have until I started becoming close to my mom. We talked daily for hours and never ran out of things to talk about. It's over.... I feel as if I have lost my mom. Her health has declined so much that it is hard to have a rational conversation with her. That ultimately leaves me lost... Who am I supposed to call when I am excited about something? Who am I supposed  to call when I need someone to calm me down from heartbreak or upset? Who am I supposed to call to share a recipe with that neither of us should be eating?  Yes I can talk to my friends but no one, NO ONE can take the place of the person that brought you into this world.  Nothing in this world can ever prepare you for the declining health of a parent.

Papa being diagnosed with leukemia seemed to just be the icing on the cake with the string of what the hells this past year. I've always been extremely close to my grandparents, they have essentially been parents to me and have picked up the slack my whole life when I've needed it most. Cancer run in my papa's family so it wasn't a huge huge shocker when he was diagnosed but at the same time, sometimes that bulletproof exterior shields reality. At this point he seems to be doing OK, but the constant worry of knowing that his battle could end at anytime scares the living shit out of me.

Alcohol.... Let's face it alcohol is fun. Unfortunately it's something that I must give up. I quit drinking for 6 weeks as a challenge to myself. In those 6 weeks I had a very good outlook on things and did a very good job at not letting the stress of life get the best of me. I gave in a few nights ago and the demons have started again. I have transformed back into an emotional roller coaster over thinking every situation and I can't handle it.

At this point I feel like I have lost passion and that kills me. I want to pack up the things that matter most and move somewhere completely random and have a fresh start and ultimately just be happy. No running from your problems are not the answer but being in a healthy fresh environment and facing your bullshit head on is a good idea. I believe in the saying "it's never too late to change your life".

Here is to hopefully new beginnings!

Underneath the makeup

Of course it's part of life where curiosity crawls, not only with humans but animals as well. The fine line is how far you take that curiosity, where it could be misunderstood as being rude.  A few occurrences have happened in the past few years since my makeup passion has started, as much as I try to let the situations roll off my back, I can't help but to have my feelings crushed from time to time. Sometimes I don't even think the people realize what exactly they are saying.

I believe I speak for others when I express that makeup is not always a form of vanity, but it is an art form. Would you walk up to a painter and tell them that their canvas they are painting on is defected, ugly or that they used too much red paint or that less is more? In the world of art there is no limits and just because you may not like something or approve of something, that gives you no right to intrude on the passion of another.

Do I wear makeup because I feel like I need it to look beautiful? The answer is no, I know I am beautiful inside and out not because of makeup, but because I am an incredibly compassionate, creative human being that is not afraid to express myself to the world. Does makeup enhance my features and make me feel a little more secure with myself, of course. My talent is part of my identity, not the makeup. I always ask myself at the end of the day when it comes to the opinions of others, does it really fucking matter if I look like shit beneath it all? Shouldn't the fact that I am a decent human being with a lot to offer in a friendship/relationship matter more than the way I CHOOSE to look?

It sincerely breaks my heart that people have to be so cruel and are constantly looking for reasons to belittle and tear others down. Everybody in everything they do was once an amateur (for the shit talkers that make fun of those that do things "wrong"), as well as everybody has different interests and things they like to do.

What if I told you that something as simple, materialistic, or vain as makeup has helped save my life? Would it be so funny then? Would you laugh if I told you that the struggles of being taken away by children services, living in a foster home, then living with my grandparents, then seeing things growing up and being scared in your own home of people that your parents hung around. Being tested to see if you've been molested because your father has made up lies about your mom, having a sibling pass away, constantly being lied to by your father, having siblings that you dont even know, not knowing where you came from because your mother is adopted. Each and every one of these things haunt me on a day to day basis, and THESE things are the things from the past, then I have the struggles of the battles I am facing everyday in life right now, a divorce, sick immediate family members, running a successful business etc.

When life gets tough and it's hard to focus, I put my frustrations into my creativity and I am able to feel better, kind of like self medication. Everyone has a story and battles they are facing, I ask you kindly to consider someone else's feelings before passing judgement, calling them a clown, a whore, saying they looked like they got ganged banged by a box of crayons, that you could wipe their beauty off with a Kleenex (which if you knew anything about makeup, you'd know that shit won't budge with a tissue).

It makes me chuckle at times to hear and read places that supposedly men hate girls that wear a lot of makeup. The attention that I get from my pictures all dolled up or out at the bar is almost overwhelming at times, no I am not trying to toot my own horn. This is coming from someone that hasn't always been the "hot" or "sexy" girl so the attention is fun but weird at the same time. Look at all the girls in magazines, movies, porn etc. they are by no means "natural".... In my head if guys loved natural girls soooooo much, then how does the term "let yourself go" come about? Wouldn't you still be charmed by your lady's "natural beauty"?

Anyways this is my two cents on the topic and a little back story of my life and how significant of a roll makeup plays  in my life outside of it being how I make my living.

 XOXO, Kas

Wrapping things up

I could start this off generically by saying that this year sucked and by far was perhaps the worst year of my life. However it wouldn't be fair to disregard the good that was transformed by the "bad". I've grown so much within myself influenced by the bad that was dropped on my doorstep. I've learned that not only am I a much stronger person than I've given myself credit for, I am much more soft than I imagined or portrayed as well. My major moments of compassion that have been exerted over the last year remind me that I am not bulletproof and that is indeed fulfilling to be less selfish in life.

I've learned that it is ok to bury the hatchet over petty things. I have learned that life can change at the blink of an eye. I have learned that my family means much for to me than words will ever be able to explain. I have learned that it is possible to form unbreakable bonds with strangers that have walked into my life out of nowhere. I am finally learning that not all of the world is evil. I am finally learning to knock down the walls that have been built up by others. I have learned that my heart does deserve love, even when I am being difficult. There are several people that I have allowed to see the good and that bad parts of me and somehow they seem to still be around and accept me, because they want to... Not because they have to. Unfortunately I wish I could say that about people that are supposed to be there, for example my birth father but that is a lost cause and that topic doesn't deserve anymore than this brief moment. If by chance he reads this, just know despite the bullshit my door will always be open... I will use your famous line but actually mean it... "Because I am a good person".

I could take a moment and personally name each person that has impacted my life this year and brought countless smiles to my face even during the hardest moments but truthfully each one of you know who you are. You bitches (yes Chris, you are a bitch... a sexy one might I add) are stuck with me even during my times of madness and craziness.

My entire life I have had a fascination with the number 13, perhaps my marriage didn't work out because I got married the 12th... because my anxious ass just couldn't wait a day longer? Patience is also something I have been working on for awhile. So I will end this with my fingers, toes and eyes crossed in hopes that 2013 be a year that challenges me as well but in the meantime brings peace and good health  to not only myself but my loved ones around me (especially my mom and grandpa).

I refuse to make resolutions but will promise myself to push challenges upon myself, continue maintaining a healthy lifestyle and give to others as much as I possibly can.

Let's do this shit!

xoxo,

Kas

Pretty Addictions Leukemia Awareness for Papa

All of my customers know that from day one of opening Pretty Addictions, I have always tried to just be myself and be "real" with everyone. I am just a girl with a vibrant personality on the other side of the website. I like everyone else have a real life and real problems as well as obstacles that I like to call boulders in the path of life. It's hard sometimes separating business and personal life without putting "too much" out there. I do pick and choose my battles and what I share.

This past year has been a complete eye opener that life CAN indeed change at the blink of an eye and unfortunately it's not always pretty, for example the sheer satisfaction of all the right numbers coming up on a lotto ticket surely can change ones life  but again life isn't always pretty. I never thought I would be 26 years old and almost lose both my mom and my grandpa in less than a months time. I never thought I would be driving my mom home from a cancer clinic and get the call that my grandpa had to be transported from one hospital to another because they thought he had Leukemia. I never thought I would be sitting in a room with my grandparents and try to hold myself together when the news was delivered that my grandpa indeed did have Leukemia. What do you say to someone that just got told they may not be alive in just a few days? Truth is we all could be living our last days and just don't know it.

It truly breaks my heart that I live 8 hrs away from my family, I used to pride myself in being strong and would chuckle when telling people I loved living away from all the chaos. Who was I kidding? Perhaps I wasn't living in reality? Now more than ever I take it back.

As I've been working on something special for my grandpa (whom I call Papa) I got the news that things are not looking so good again unfortunately. I have created a color for Pretty Addictions which is orange to represent Leukemia and it is called  Racing For Hope. Anything involved with race car driving is a huge passion of my Papa's!!! And unfortunately hope is something sometimes we all tend to lose at times. My biggest wish is that my papa or my family never loses hope that this whole mess is just a giant boulder in our path and that everything eventually works itself out for the better. My papa is one of the most stubborn men I have ever met and I have more faith and hope than ever that if anyone can pull through this he can. I can't even count on all my fingers and toes how many times I told both him and my grandma while at the hospital that both of them were too stubborn to lose this battle.

With every jar of  "Racing For Hope" sold 100% of the proceeds will be donated directly to my Papa, to help with medical expenses, gas, car maintenance, meals, etc. I can only imagine the debt that turns into weight and burdens on your shoulders when dealing with sickness. Also I will attach a donate button on the page with the "Racing For Hope" shadow in the event that you would like to donate more towards Papa's journey dealing with this monster. Please do not feel obligated to donate money or even purchase this shadow, your kind words of encouragement and the sheer string of hope is more than enough.

We plan to travel to Ohio for Thanksgiving this year so that I can spend as much quality time as possible with Papa, I will take pictures and share them. He was so tickled at the response we received while he was in the hospital just knowing he had so many "fans" and supporters rooting for him. Being from a generation that doesn't realize how the internet works, it was cute to see his amazement!

I chose to release this color in November instead of September during Leukemia Awareness month because simply one of the biggest most important things I am thankful for this year is the fact that I still have my papa and I wanted to do something special for him.

Thank you so much for reading this and supporting us!

Toxic Bombshell Tragedy Sampler winner

Today over on our Facebook page we held a mini giveaway for  a sampler of Toxic Bombshell Tragedy. Since Facebook is kinda weird about giveaways we must announce our winners here!

So the prize was for a mini sampler of this collection!

as a sampler, yours will come in baggies instead of jars

And the winner is......

Nicole, you have 24 hrs to contact me with your shipping info at kas @prettyaddictions.com or we will choose a new winner!

Thanks for participating everyone!